[Satire] SHOCK! After Kids Get Sick Drinking Homemade Beer, Michigan Governor Orders ALL beer production illegal.
A satire release for 9/4/2019
The Michigan Governor this week cited fears that children might want to drink beer in their decision to ban all beer for everyone this week. In the past few months, dozens of teens have been sent to the hospital after using black market beer. The governor hopes that by making only black market beer available to everyone, they will be able to curb the dangerous black market beer production.
“Everyone knows that prohibition is a great idea, and that it totally works!” said hard liquor advocates, whose products will be entirely legal despite them being more dangerous and linked to far more deaths than beer. The liquor industry is excited that people will have to drink their much more dangerous and higher in alcohol substances or go for some shady black market beer.
This decision comes on the back of millions of dollars in lobbying funds being spent by the liquor industry to demonize the beer industry. “Beer comes in all sorts of flavors that are appealing to children. With these micro-breweries popping up, beer is tastier than ever, and we can’t have that!” said the governor in response the incredulous looks of beer advocates who said that social beer drinking was key to breaking their deadly alcoholism.
Beer advocates responded this week saying “beer is like… 6% alcohol. Is it really the problem? Or are we maybe ignoring the real problem? Also, like, if teens are using it… isn’t that already illegal? Also… like, if you ban beer but not liquor won’t kids just be exposed to more dangerous stuff? Also, it was black market beer that made kids sick, and you are just expanding that unregulated market. Are you sure this is good for public health?”
Time will tell if other states institute a beer ban to “protect the kids” who legally aren’t able to get beer, which is why they buy black market beer that made them sick in the first place. Luckily for the kids out there who want their beer, there is still the black market beer that made them sick and isn’t regulate by the FDA.
Silver lining folks, silver lining.